The Soothing Balm of Atheism

The Soothing Balm of Atheism

I don't try to imagine a personal God; it suffices to stand in awe at the structure of the world; insofar as it allows our inadequate senses to appreciate it.

Albert Einstein

5^th March 2006
I knew that heading off to the impoverished hearts of Africa and Asia was always going to be a spiritual journey. Surprisingly enough, I discovered no Spirit, no Big Picture and came away as a Radical Atheist (as Douglas Adams so delightfully puts it). I came away from the experience, happier, more content and comfortable with my place in the universe.

The spiritual journey (that uncovered no spirit...) saw me go from a Born Again Boy, to (what I called) Agnosticism to a Radical Atheist. Let us grab hold of my past, give it a twist, and see what oozes out.

Busy Being Born Again
Whether we like it or not (I don't), we are all products of our parents' upbringing to some extent. Their morals, ideals and spiritualism are inevitably imprinted on us. Catholic parents raise Catholic Children, Muslim parents Muslim Children and so on¹. I was raised in a quasi-Christian home - if there was One True Religion, it most certainly was Christianity.

The odd Sunday School trip and conversations with my mother lead me to believe that there was a guy called Jesus, he was somehow good, and that if I believed in him (whatever that meant), then I would get to heaven. Yay!

One a balmy summer's day in 1990, the evangelists came to my school. They somehow managed to take over the school's assembly and preached the Word of God. At the end of the service/assembly, they did their version of an Altar Call (put on some suitably soothing melodies at this point to set the mood):

Ok, now everybody close your eyes. Good... Good... Now I want you to raise your hand if you want to follow Jesus. Don't worry. Your friends won't see you, but God can. Good... Good... You at the back, I see you. Praise God... Praise God... You at the front. I see you too, and so does God. Good... Good... Thank you Jesus...

I felt somehow that God was calling me, but did not put my hand up and was subsequently riddled with guilt. Did this mean I didn't believe? Did this mean I lose my Get-To-Heaven-For-Free card? Yikes! The guilt was so much that I headed off to the follow up concert where I responded to the altar call and gave my heart to Jesus. I had no idea what that actually meant. Concepts like Forgiveness For Sins, the Trinity and the Resurrection were all foreign to me.

Somehow-a-rather I ended up in a Bible study group that was run by the Manurewa Baptist Church. I was joined by a bunch of other guys - who were equally clueless - and we were led in the basics of the Bible and what it meant to be a Christian.

As far as I understood it being a Christian meant:

Having a quiet time with God everyday
Reading the Bible and praying were expected
Attending Church
Attending Youth Groups
Attending Bible Study Group
Attending Prayer Groups
Attending the odd Christian event, like a YWAM concert, or the church BBQ
And, under no circumstances, should you ever - ever! - talk about churchy things outside of churchy gatherings. Especially Jesus.

I, am seemingly many others, were just plain old embarrassed about being Christian. Non-churchy people knew I was passionate about rugby and cricket, but most of them didn't have a clue that I was Christian.

I would talk about passionately about what it meant to be Christian in the comfort and warmth of little Christian Bunny Holes, whether they be Bible study groups or church services, pop my head up briefly in the Real World, and the scamper off to my next comfy little Christian Bunny Hole.

It was all just a tad hypocritical, I was Christian around fellow Christians, and something else amongst others. If I believed, really believed, wouldn't I of spoke passionately about Christian things to my unsaved friends? What I was effectively saying was:

You're my friend. I like your company. I have this thing called "The Good News", but I'm not going to tell you because I am somehow embarrassed. This might mean that you end being tortured for all eternity in Hell. Sorry about that.

From what I could tell, this type of behavior was fairly common among my church peers.

This lukewarm Christianity is something I'll return to in a bit

Not all the Christians I met shared my lukewarm tendencies. I came to admire a young married couple working in the slums of Cambodia, as well as a school teacher in Dunedin. All top people.

Agnosticism comes a knockin' at the door
I continued in my lukewarm ways for many years. Never giving up on the faith, never throwing myself whole-heartedly into it

And then, disaster struck. I mentioned my mental breakdown and subsequent five month stay in Ashburn Psychiatric Clinic before (see here, here, here, here and here), so I won't go into much detail here. The stay in Ashburn allowed me to reassess everything about my life. Marriage, faith, rugby alliance, employment. It was all up for grabs.

I began to think (I had plenty of time to think) about what an absolute sham my religion was. I tried my heart out to be a good Christian (albeit in Christian Bunny Holes). I attended church, prayed hard and read my Bible. Heck, the elders in one of the churches I attended in Christchurch actually wanted me to become a man of the cloth! I realised that I looked like a good Christian lad on the outside, but on the inside I was a mess.

I also came to the conclusion that every time I reached out to God, he had not once - not once! - reached back to me. Was this the type of personal God that I wanted to worship? One who ignored me?

What I wanted was a theist god. One that cared about me, one that would - just for a moment - focus His attention on me, and give me not what I wanted, but what I needed.

What I got was a deist god. An all powerful no-gooder who started the universe with a nudge, and then put his feet up and watched his creation unravel. Powerful, yes. benevolent, no.

(As a slight aside, check this out for some God-esque experiences)

If God didn't care about me, then I would stop caring about him. And even if God did exist - an all powerful benevolent God - how dare he allow bad things to happen to good people? Or, more specifically, how dare he allow bad things to happen to me? My anger towards God became so great that I became very skeptical about his very existence. I had moved from a Born Again Christian to a cynical Agnostic².

The Problem of Pain
And this was the happy state I found myself in when I started volunteering in the Philippines. Well, not quite happy yet, but gettin' there.

I had a fantastic time in the Philippines and didn't have enough time to worry about anything as trivial as my immortal soul. But then came Africa. Africa with its great beauty and somewhat wasted potential. But also Africa with its refugee camps, slums, orphanages, IDP camps, genocides, child soldiers and widows.

One can't help but wonder where God was. Where was He when Jeffery watched the beheading of his brother'? Did He enjoy watching the Acholi being herded up like cattle into the IDP camps? Does a sense or irony descend on Him when atrocities are done in His name by the LRA (the Lord's Resistance Army)? What about lost children in orphanages? 800,000 murders in 100 days in Rwanda?

My agnosticism was starting to feel the full force of raging nihilistic Atheism.

Making a Stand
What sort of God would reward wishy-washy half-sentiments like the following:

Um yeah. I believe in you, like in principal you know. Rah rah Jesus and all that. Yeah. Cool.

Agnosticism is cowardly and lazy. What was I thinking? Did I seriously think God was going to reward me with eternal life for wishy-washy half commitments? Wouldn't a God worth worshiping favor bravery in commitment?

Time to make a decision. Either fully accept God and all that entails. Or fully reject God and all that entails.

Fully accepting God is a scary prospect. Here's what the ever wise Granny Weatherwax has to say on the matter:

Now if I’d seen him, really there, really alive, it’d be in me like a fever. If I thought there was some god who really did care two hoots about people, who watched ‘em like a father and cared for ‘em like a mother… well, you wouldn’t catch me saying things like “There are two sides to every question,” and “we must respect other people’s beliefs.” You wouldn’t find me just being generally nice in the hope that it’d all turn out right in the end, not if that flame was burning in me like an unforgivin’ sword. And did I say burnin’, Mister Oats, ‘cos that’s what it’d be. You say that you people don’t burn folk and sacrifice people any more, but that’s what true faith would mean, y’see? Sacrificin’ your own life, one day at a time, to the flame, declarin’ the truth of it, working’ for it, breathin’ the soul of it. That’s religion. Anything else is just … is just bein’ nice. And a way of keepin’ in touch with the neighbors.’

Terry Pratchet via way of Granny Weatherwax - Carpe Jugulum

Half-Christianity just doesn't cut it. There is a winning side and a losing side. There is no room for grey. Your friends/family/workmates/starving Africans will all go to Hell if you don't preach the good news to the them.

One would also have to believe the following³:

A man was born to a virgin mother with no biological father being involved
The fatherless man raised a man called Lazarus, who had been dead long enough to stink
The fatherless man himself came alive after being dead and buried for three days
Forty days later, the fatherless man went up to the top of a hill and then disappeared bodily into the sky
If you murmur thoughts privately in your head, the fatherless man, and his 'father' (who is also himself) will hear your thoughts and may act on them. He is simultaneously able to hear the thoughts of everybody else in the world.
If you do something bad, or something good, the same fatherless man sees all, even in nobody else does. You may be rewarded or punished accordingly, including after your death.,

I had no passion, I saw too much suffering and the basic tenets of Christianity seemed to crumble before me.

So I was left with only one option: A nihilistic Atheism.

There was no God. Life has no point. There is no great purpose.

Clinging to happiness
One thing that I did cling onto (and still do), was that what I was doing made me happy.

There was no great philosophy. No great thought process. No search for deeper meaning. What I did made me happy. A lot happier than I had been in years.

The Soothing Balm of Atheism
One of the most inspirational books I have ever read is "Darwin's Dangerous Idea" by Daniel Dennet. It opened my mind about the beauty of nature and God's non-involvement in its creation.

We are so incredibly lucky to be here. Being born into this world is a privilege.

Richard Dawkins sums in up well:

We are so staggeringly lucky to find ourselves in the spotlight. However brief our time in the sun, if we waste a second of it, or complain that it is dull and barren or (like a child) boring, couldn't this be seen as a callous insult to those unborn trillions who will never be offered life in the first place? [...] the knowledge that we have only one life should make it all the more precious.

The atheist view is correspondingly life-affirming and life-enhancing, while at the same time never been tainted with self-delusion, wishful thinking, or whinging self pity of those who feel life owes them something.⁴

Richard Dawkins

The relief I feel at being free from the chains of religion is exhilarating.

I was ashamed that I was a Christian. I never talked about it unless I was pushed. Now, you'd find it hard to stop me talking about the joy and comfort that I find in the freedom of Atheism. No more us and them. No more senseless religious shicms. No more contorting my view of the world to match some religious dogma.

What's the point though? Decrease suffering and find happiness in the joy of others.

[...] there is one thing we do know: that man is here for the sake of other men - above all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness depends.

Albert Einstein

Be happy. Enjoy life. It is too short and precious to waste.

I welcome any feedback and thoughts about this article from anyone on either side of the religious divide. Feel free to say contact me here.

My thoughts around this topic have been influenced by many books and people. The books include:

The Bible
The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins
Darwin's Dangerous Idea - Daniel Dennet
Mere Christianity - C.S. Lewis
The Problem of Pain - C.S. Lewis
Unweaving the Rainbow - Richard Dawkins

¹ Richard Dawkins points out that these should really be called "Children of Catholic parents". Can a five year really make a conscious decision that Catholicism is the "One True Religion"? Labeling them as "Children of Catholic Parents" at least raises the child's consciousness that there is more than one option. Richard Dawkins -The God Delusion (2006), page 260.

² Agnosticism technically means the belief that we can't know whether or not God exists, so it doesn't quite match my spiritual state. But that's what I called myself, so it will have to do for now.

³ Adapted from: Richard Dawkins - The God Delusion (2006), pages 178-179

₄ Richard Dawkins - The God Delusion (2006), page 361

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