From There to Here
16th November 2005
How you doing?
There are plenty of fun times to be had in The Philippines. No
doubt about it. I could get used to being bought mango shakes
while I lounge in hammocks on a
tropical islands. There is something inherently cool about
killing a goat, and then having it for
dinner. Any animal activists who have a problem with this can send
me hate mail via here.
On the surface, it probably appears that I am having a ball.
And to a certain extent this is true.
Today though, I thought I'd write about some of the problems that I
am having and the things that I am finding hard. To talk about how
I am now though, I need to go back in time just a little.
(Imagine the screen goes all wobbly here in a TV-flashback kinda
way.)
Where I've Been
In about October 2003 I was a high flying businessman/computer
geek. I had a 5% share holding in enabling
technologies, a computer company that was really going places. I
was married and had just purchased my own home. The shit, however,
was about to hit the proverbial fan.
Work started to become difficult. I was in a senior position
and nobody would notice if arrived late and left early.
Social contact with people started to become unbearable and I started to
retreat further and further into my own head.
This became so bad that I started seeing Tara
Clark, a clinical psychologist. She diagnosed me with Clinical
Depression. I've never really agreed with the diagnosis, but it's
as good as label as any for what I was going through. Even though
Tara was doing a great job, things got worse and worse and I stopped
going to work altogether. I tried doing a couple of papers at
university, but even that proved too difficult.
Things got so bad, that on the 23rd April 2004, I was admitted to Ashburn
Clinic, a privately run psychiatric hospital. Things
were pretty rough in Ashburn. I did battle with my Demons, both
old and new. I made it out the other end though and on the 18th
September 2004, I was discharged.
Things had changed though. I had separated from my wife, lost
my religion and had cashed in my shares to fund my stay at
Ashburn. $NZ 2,000 a week (or P80,000 a week for my Filipino friends)
quickly adds up...
I returned to work part time, but things were never quite right and I
resigned in September 2005.
"Time for a change," I thought. I looked back at my
life and tried to remember the time when I felt good about myself.
I remembered my time at Rochester
and Rutherford Hall and how much I enjoyed living in a
community. I remembered the satisfaction that I felt from teaching
people, both one-on-one and in a lecture environment.
I don't think money has ever a big motivating factor for me. I
think I like the status that it brought me, but not the money
itself. If money were a big motivating factor, I'd still be at
enabling technologies and would own my own house.
I eventually put two and two together and came up with the idea of
volunteering. So, I gave away my earthly
possessions and headed here, to The Philippines, for a six month
volunteer stint.
Where I'm Going
After this, I plan to head back to New Zealand for a few weeks, and
then I'm (probably) off to Uganda for another six month volunteer
stint. After that, who knows. I have vague plans about
getting a bum-around job in England and looking around Europe, or
possibly getting in a car and driving across the States. The
further I go into the future, the more vague my plans become. It's
all quite exciting though. Not having any idea where I'll be in a
year is kinda cool.
So that's where I've been and where I think I might end up. But
how am I doing right now?
(Queue another screen wobble to indicate we are resuming normal
transmission.)
Where I Am or "Whoops Mr. Daisy!"
Well, sometimes it's quite hard and the Demons (they deserve capital
letters) come knocking again. I was talking to a guy the other
night and the things he said just pushed all the wrong buttons.
All the demons that I fought so hard to keep at bay had come back with a
vengeance.
I retreated into my own head and. Just. Tried.
To. Slow. Things. Down. I went to a disco one evening to celebrate the start of the basketball tournament. I
spent most of the night just staring into space. There was a trip
to Guimaras the next day, which I bailed out of and on Monday I absented
myself from school and headed into Ilo Ilo to watch a couple of
movies.
"Slowing things down" helped a lot and I felt a lot more in
control.
This whole experience has reminded me that I need to be careful and
look after myself. The excitement about being in a new country has
started to wane. I no longer worry about catching jeepneys and how
to survive in this country. It is now routine.
Routine breeds complacency and complacency breeds laziness and
laziness breeds carelessness.
So, I need to remember to be careful. Slow down when I need
to. Take a break if needed. I sure as hell don't want to
fall into any dark holes again.
What else is happening?
Verifying My Own Existence
I sometimes disappear into my room and read a book or update stuff
on my website. I think it is important for me to have my own
space. I think this might seem a little strange to some of the
locals. The community spirit here is very strong and people often
spend a lot of time in other peoples houses.
When I first came here I thought I had taken over Jen Jen's room, but
it turns out that she slept in Risa's room anyway. It is just the
way that they do things here.
I am quite enjoying writing stuff for this website. It's sounds
kinda odd, but it almost seems as if I didn't exist for the last three
years or so. Excessive work and poor mental health made my world
very blurry. There are hardly any pictures of me during that
period, which only adds to the feelings of non-existence.
Updating this website and taking all these photos helps me feel
alive. It's like I'm waving a flag and saying "Look at
me! Look at me! I exist!." I like
that.
I figure that if my life ever becomes so boring that there is nothing
to write about on my website, then it is time to reassess my life and
try something else.
Avoiding Hermit Like Behavior
Sometimes I start digging around in the quagmire of my mind and
eventually turn up a noxious weed or two to brood over. I
eventually get completely lost in my own head and end up resembling a
hermit.
I try to be mindful of not doing that while I am here. The
hospitality of the Filipino people really helps with. They are
just so warm and friendly and welcoming.
Sometimes it can be a bit much though. I was at (another) dance
party the other night in Dumangas. One guy was so keen to dance
with me that he grabbed my forearm and physically pulled me over so that
I would dance with him. I guess my dancing with him would of been
a great source of pride for him. If it happens again though, I
will resist. Being forced into doing something that I don't want
to is abhorrent to me.
I think the trick is to keep things in balance. Spend some time
alone in my room if I need to, but also make an effort to get out and socialize
as well. I think I am doing this quite well at the moment.
Trying to Achieve a Sense of Purpose
I can make a complex system simple. This is both my blessing
and my curse.
I used this skill at enabling technologies and helped many businesses
become more efficient. This tended to make the rich (myself
included) richer and put the poor out of work. That's a very harsh
way of putting it. It is not the whole truth, but it is a large
part of the truth.
I would hate my tombstone to look like this:
|
Malcolm Trevena
1973 - 2065
Made The Rich Richer
Put Poor People Out Of Work
Was a Real Ladies Man
"Died With The Most Toys" |
Well, maybe the "Ladies Man" bit wouldn't be too bad, but
the rest of it would be pretty spack.
I failed to find a purpose in chasing the almighty dollar. I
failed to find a purpose in religious ideals. I hope to find some
sort of purpose in doing what I am doing now.
I am a big fan of education. You can't lose when you invest in
education. I hope that the time I spend teaching the kids at Pulao
will be beneficial to them. If I can make a small, but
significant, positive impact on their lives, then I will be a happy man
</End Ramble>
Life here is not all exciting. Sometimes it can be hard.
Demons lurk in dark corners and wait for an opportunity to pounce.
If it was easy then I guess I wouldn't be learning much.
But, I'm glad I'm here. There is no place in the world I would
rather be at the moment.
Questions? Comments? Try contacting
me.
Wanna receive an email whenever this site gets updated? Click here.
(c)
2005 and 2006 Malcolm Trevena.
All the stuff on this site is written by me, Malcolm Trevena. Feel free to
link to this page. Heck, you can even copy stuff from here if you
want. Just make sure you sight me as a reference.
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